If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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