If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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