Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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