I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
