just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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