I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
