I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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