Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
