Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
