We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
