do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
