and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dignity is for republicans.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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