I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
