look no pants
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
