my mouth tastes like poor choices
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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