you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
