I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
