I didn't shave. On purpose
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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