i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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