Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
