Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
