Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
