I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
