I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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