Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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