i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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