Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
