I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
They have beer where we have blood.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
