I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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