Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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