it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Even the bartender felt bad for me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
