We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
