I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
