if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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