Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
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