twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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