Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
