I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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