Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
