she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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