You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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