Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
