im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
