Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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