I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
