after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
