So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
