does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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