I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
