I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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