So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i think i just lost a toe
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
