Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
