she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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