last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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